A couple of weeks ago I mentioned applying for my dream job. I received a letter on the 19th with the date I was to take the test that determined whether I would move on to the next stage of the process. All last week, I obsessed over that test and the fact that I had no way to study for it. Last Friday, I went in to take it.
Roughly 130 people applied for this job. Around 100 were invited to take the test. I was in the last testing group of 5.
The test was all practical application questions like reading comprehension, pattern recognition, and basic math skills (including fractions to decimals conversion, which I loathe with every fiber of my being). We had nearly 2 hours to complete 100 questions.
I was the first person done, with 45 minutes to spare.
To say that I’m freaking out would be an understatement.
The moment I walked out of the building, I was freaking out. I over-analyze everything, and the fact that I had 2 hours to take a test and finished it first out of 30 people, most of whom were older than me, was fodder for that freakish part of my brain. Did I not read the questions thoroughly enough? Maybe I should have checked them all 3 times instead of 2. Did I miss some instructions? I should have left all of my answers the way they were.
On Saturday I developed a headache, which was a sore throat and fever by Sunday and a cough by Monday. I’m just finally starting to feel normal again. Well, physically.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, my brain tends to shut down and kick into survival mode. I get flooded with feelings of guilt and inadequacy and usually freeze up, even when the dishes need to be washed and I have a blog schedule to keep. Instead of eating something other than chips, instead of taking 10 minutes to run through a yoga routine, instead of working on my lesson for class, I start a new series on Netflix and obsess over my Sims families. That leads to more guilt while the obligations pile on.
There are two problems that cause this: I have always struggled with managing my time, and I tend to over-commit. Take for example my writing: I have one book partway through a third revision, one partway through a first draft (my NaNo project), one I abandoned several years ago but which I have been meaning to rewrite, and one in the final stages of planning. But they’re all so shiny and all so precious and I don’t want to choose one to focus on until it’s out of my system, so I haven’t worked on any of them.
Now I’m waiting for the results of a test, which will determine if I move on to an interview. If I didn’t score high enough, I have to pursue a different job, which would mean giving up on this dream job. If I scored high enough, I get to panic about an interview, and then wait for the results of that interview.
Oh, and Nina showed me all of the theories circulating on the internet about How to Train Your Dragon 3, and they aren’t pretty.
I’m so keyed up my leg has been bouncing for the last 30 minutes it’s taken to get this far in this post.
Luckily, though I am really bad at managing my time and thus my obligations, I am capable of recognizing when I’ve entered a freak-out cycle. I’m getting better at working through it. The dishes are nearly caught up (even with a dishwasher, there are a lot of dishes to wash in a 7-person household), the laundry is all folded and sorted, and my room is clean. Now, obviously, I’m blogging, because I’m more than a week overdue and I am all too familiar with what happens when I neglect blogging or too long.
If anyone has a good routine for developing time-management habits, I would really appreciate it. So far all I have is list-making, which really does no good. I just keep adding junk to it, and that alone is overwhelming. I am trying to develop a bullet journal, but I keep forgetting about it.
I’m going to blame the lingering head cold for the incoherency of this post. And I promise that the next one will make more sense.