My Life Has No Direction and Neither Does This Post

One of those “sorting out my thoughts in no particular order” kind of posts. If you want an idea of what my brain has been like this past month, read on, but you won’t be missing much otherwise.


I feel like all of the frustration and confusion I buried back in November has finally caught up to me. Still no breath-stealing grief like people warned me about, but definitely frustration.

I mentioned before – rather vaguely – that I had some opportunities I was pursuing back in January. Long story short, said opportunities were job-related, but they ended up falling through. That alone left me feeling rather deflated and directionless. Along with the chance to travel and meet new people, I would have also been able to move out and my rent would have been paid as part of the position.

Having to settle back down and learn to be content with my current job (which is coming up on its one-year anniversary) definitely threw me into a poor mood, but that poor mood was compounded by issues with my Sunday class. I’ll spare you the ranting with which I subjected Calli and my parents, but I have stepped down indefinitely from that teaching position. Though it was a tough decision, I already feel a little more at ease because of it.

My dear car wanted a part of the fun and developed a terrible creaking, grinding noise at the beginning of February. Talk of replacing her only seemed to make it worse, but I wouldn’t begin to have the funds to get something newer until at least April. I was starting to feel desperate when, out of nowhere, the noises stopped. Now I’m terrified.

Oh, and my fish died.*

 

On the plus side, my taxes were completed swiftly (thanks, Mom!) and most of my returns are safely tucked away in savings. Oh, and my plants are all still alive! I now have a Norfolk Island Pine, my lucky bamboo and some cuttings that had developed roots, and Carswell.

Now we’re at the start of March and I am feeling more lost than I have in a long time. I have no long-term plans, no commitments, no goals….and almost no money. I seem to be failing miserably with my Word of the Year. I’ll be 23 soon, I still live with my parents, I drive a beater car, I’m starting to freak out about my perpetual singlehood, and I haven’t written a word of a proper story since November.

I mean, seriously, what is life?!?

My solution to this gut-dropping panic threatening to overwhelm me? Budgeting and another no-spend month.

What could go wrong?

It’s weird, but getting my money situation sorted has actually helped me feel better; more in control. Because that’s the feeling I love most. I have a solid plan for getting my savings built up, taking on more financial responsibility, and preparing to invest in a decent vehicle.

As eager as I was a few weeks ago to leave my job for greener pastures, I’m forcing myself to sit still and learn to work with what I have. That’s my challenge at present: the courage to stay where I am. The patience to be still and accumulate some resources while I clear my head and adjust my perspective.

I did learn a great deal while I pursued this job opportunity. I came to grips with aspects of my life and understand myself a little better for it. Not to say I’m not disappointed, but I’m trying to look on the bright side.

Moving forward, I’m continuing my efforts to streamline my life. Now that I don’t have the responsibility of tiny humans on Sundays to distract me, I can get a better idea of what I want my priorities to be:

  • Since my fiction writing has stalled, I’m undertaking a daily journaling project, because I haven’t journaled regularly since I was…14? I got distracted from bullet journaling months ago, but I’ve found a way to tweak it to my tastes, and I have a pretty notebook to help me get back into it.
  • I seriously need to work on my Bible reading and prayer life. As juvenile as it seems, I’m starting off with a Proverb a day. I’ve also been skipping Wednesday church for the last month or so, but I want to try to force myself to get back into the habit of attending, as bitter as I am about it.
  • I’ve done well with clearing out some of the clutter of abandoned hobbies, but I have a little way to go in that area. I’ve also cleaned out most of my excess clothing (ugh, stress eating). Next up is old journals and books I don’t read, and then my possessions will be nearly under my control again.
  • My spending got way out of hand in February, but I’m almost back on track. Whether I keep record here or not, I’m undertaking a No Spend Month in March, with a budget of…$124.00 for shopping and gas. Yeah. I just have to keep reminding myself of how much money I’ll be saving for a fancy new car. Maybe if I had some sort of reward to look forward to at the end of it….
  • Time management and health are my other priorities, and they go hand-in-hand, with regards to sleep and how much time I spend seated, staring at a screen or a book. I’m getting a handle on my social media use, in fits and starts, but I am as lazy and unmotivated as I was when I was a 12-year-old antisocial bookworm. I don’t like it.

I guess the overarching aim is self-awareness. Sometimes I think I spend way too much time in my own head, and other times I feel like I can’t even begin to explain my life to myself. I’m definitely over-thinking this, I know, and by doing so I’m making my life out to be way more complicated than it needs to be.

If you couldn’t tell by now, I’m crap when it comes to making goals, much less following through with them, but I have one goal at present: to CALM DOWN.

Maybe I need a sabbatical….

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*I did get a new one. I couldn’t help it. I needed something tiny and predictable. My new betta is currently dubbed Boris von Wolfram, but that may be changing…. And he’s only just learning to equate me with food. He has the most attitude of any of my bettas. I miss my old one….

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